10/18/05
So if you haven't totally been living in a cave, you know that I became the new leader of the Autobots last week. Yippy fucking skippy. Someone thought about throwing a party, but of course all the bars were closed on account of Unicron trashing everything. Just about everyone on Cybertron was dead too, so it probably wouldn't have been that much fun anyway. So I just went to bed. Whatever. I feel special.
I'm still trying to get used to this leader thing. I tried saying "transform and roll out" when we were about to escape from Unicron. I thought it would be a good time to say it, but it just sounded kind of weak when it came out. Maybe I'm just too insecure about that whole thing, though. I don't know. Oh and then Kup called me "lad" for the five millionth time right after that, and I swear I almost shoved the Autobot Matrix of Leadership right up his rusty cornhole. I mean, I'm the fucking leader, man! Nobody called Optimus Prime "lad" or any of that shit. I'm gonna have Ultra Magnus talk with him about it, because you know he respects Ultra Magnus. Everyone does. They don't call him "lad" like he's some fucking teenager or something. Primus.
And now I'm wondering, "okay, what does the leader of the Autobots do when there aren't any more Decepticons around anymore?" There just aren't any, seriously. I don't know where they all went, but it kind of sucks for me because I'm like, what's the point of me being this big badass if I'm not even going to get to do anything? You know, like, why do I even need to have the Matrix anyway? I guess I'm just kind of bored right now. I went to go see Arcee to see if the Matrix could help me not act like a total retard around her, but I guess that isn't one of its special powers. Anyway, all she talked about about was "hey Rodimus, we need to rebuild all this stuff that Unicron broke" and I'm just like, whatever. Give me a call when you want to polish my knob.
Springer's still acting like a total douchebag, of course. He's all like "oh I'm your best buddy" and I'm like bitch, you weren't my buddy when my name didn't end with "Prime". Not that anybody ever calls me that. They're all being reverential about Optimus like he was the fucking savior of the world or something. The hell? I fucking blew up Unicron! You don't get more "Prime" than that, you twats. Whatever.
Well anyway, Springer's trying to be my big brother and I know it's just an act because he's jealous of me. He knows I've got a hard-on for Arcee and now I can deliver that shit. Fuckin' matrix, biotch. Suck on that. So whatever, he can kiss my ass all he wants to; he's not getting shit from me. Go suck up to Ultra Magnus if you want some love, cause you know he needs the attention. I don't know what she sees in him. "Ooh, he's a triple changer, he's so special." Fucking whore.
Primus, she's hot though.
All right, I guess I have to go now. Ultra Magnus is here again and he wants to talk about some retarded space olympics thing or whatever. I'll catch up when I get a chance. Which will probably be in a year, knowing him. Learn when to shut the hell up sometime, dude. Like I care about galactic peace whatever crap.
RP
Full Version: Rodimus Prime's Blog
Genius.
lovers to it
i still haven't finished mine, maybe i'll post it tomorrow.... or whatever
11/24/05
Proof that the Matrix hates me: We did the Space Olympics but it got all screwed up when some douchebags decided to show up and randomly kidnap people. I was totally pissed because I didn't even want to be there anyway. Everyone was like "oh hey Rodimus, you should be in the races because you're fast, right? The people will love that." Yeah I bet they'd eat that shit up. A bunch of blue freaks with suction cups for fingers getting their jollies while the fucking leader of the Autobots runs in circles for a while. Does anybody ever consider how retarded that would make me look? But whatever, it's always the same for "Rodimus" because he's still just a bigger version of Hot Rod. I swear I caught Ultra Magnus calling me "Hot Rod" once. He was almost out with it and then he was all like "Rod....imus Prime!" Yeah like he would ever call me that.
So okay, back to the douchebags. Ultra Magnus is gone, not that that sucks or anything. Kup is gone too. Still not sucking. And then we find out that Spike is gone. Well, now it sucks. And I'll tell you why. That bitch-ass wife of his, that's why. She starts ragging on me like "you're the leader, go rescue Spike now" and I'm about ready to shoot myself in the head from how annoying she is. Seriously, her voice makes you want to kill yourself. And that's even with the Matrix inside you, telling you "oh hey don't do that, that'd be bad" and stuff like that. So she's going on and on and I'm like "no shit I'm going to have to go rescue Spike, but he better be in the same place as Kup and Ultra Magnus 'cause otherwise he's S.O.L." I didn't tell her that last part. Humans think we're all noble and want to protect them or whatever, so I better not rock the boat. The last time they got pissed at the Autobots, they ended up shooting them all into the Sun on some rocket or something. At least that's what they told me.
The Matrix is still hating me though, because now I'm like "fuck I guess I've got to go fight Decepticons" because that's what you do when bad stuff happens. But that's not the hating part. The hating part is when someone decides that it'd be a great idea to pair the leader of the Autobots up with Grimlock. Fucking Grimlock the Space Retard. I swear he gets dumber by the minute. I said to him, "hey Grimlock, do you want to go fight Decepticons?" and he's all like "ME, GRIMLOCK--" and I just cut him off right there. I can't handle that freaking guy, seriously.
Oh and by the way: hey Matrix, next time use your infinite wisdom to give me a heads up when I'm about to get my ass handed to me. We get dropped off at Chez Decepticon, which is a real shithole in case you were wondering. And we're all recon-style with stuff until, you guessed it, Grimlock starts with the "ME GRIMLOCK" talk again. And of course he can't talk quietly, like ever. He starts yelling "ME GRIMLOCK" at the top of his lungs and I'm ready to shoot him in the head, not that that would do anything. So every Decepticon ever rushes us and I get the shit beaten out of me. I bet they enjoyed that. Never got to do that with Optimus Prime, did you? Nah, it's good old Rodimus who gets the mass curb stomping.
Here's where the shit gets freaky, though. Right when I'm thinking "fuck you, Matrix" I start having all these weird flashback things where I'm seeing all these faces and stuff, and then I'm like "holy shit I know that guy" 'cause I recognized one of them. Back when people thought I was cool (yeah you know that shit is the truth) I crashed on their planet and they wanted to kill me. So I'm like, okay, I guess that was a tipoff right there. Like the Matrix is trying to drop a hint to me or something. Primus. It's a miracle that Optimus ever figured anything out at all, if that's the level of communication we're talking about here. It would have been cool if the Matrix had been like "HEY RODIMUS GO TO THAT PLANET WITH THE FREAKY EGG & TENTACLE DUDES" because that would have been helpful. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure the Matrix just doesn't fucking like me. I bet it's like "fuck you, you're not Optimus" and I bet it wouldn't call me "Prime" either.
I'd totally give up the Matrix right now, but shit -- what are my options? Ultra "Fumble" Magnus? No thanks. Kup? He'd probably drop dead as soon as he stuck the thing in his chest. Springer? Yeah like that's gonna happen. Fuck him. Blurr? Primus H. Cyberton, NO. Maybe I should give the Matrix to Grimlock; it might make him less retarded or something. Hmm, there's a thought.
RP
Proof that the Matrix hates me: We did the Space Olympics but it got all screwed up when some douchebags decided to show up and randomly kidnap people. I was totally pissed because I didn't even want to be there anyway. Everyone was like "oh hey Rodimus, you should be in the races because you're fast, right? The people will love that." Yeah I bet they'd eat that shit up. A bunch of blue freaks with suction cups for fingers getting their jollies while the fucking leader of the Autobots runs in circles for a while. Does anybody ever consider how retarded that would make me look? But whatever, it's always the same for "Rodimus" because he's still just a bigger version of Hot Rod. I swear I caught Ultra Magnus calling me "Hot Rod" once. He was almost out with it and then he was all like "Rod....imus Prime!" Yeah like he would ever call me that.
So okay, back to the douchebags. Ultra Magnus is gone, not that that sucks or anything. Kup is gone too. Still not sucking. And then we find out that Spike is gone. Well, now it sucks. And I'll tell you why. That bitch-ass wife of his, that's why. She starts ragging on me like "you're the leader, go rescue Spike now" and I'm about ready to shoot myself in the head from how annoying she is. Seriously, her voice makes you want to kill yourself. And that's even with the Matrix inside you, telling you "oh hey don't do that, that'd be bad" and stuff like that. So she's going on and on and I'm like "no shit I'm going to have to go rescue Spike, but he better be in the same place as Kup and Ultra Magnus 'cause otherwise he's S.O.L." I didn't tell her that last part. Humans think we're all noble and want to protect them or whatever, so I better not rock the boat. The last time they got pissed at the Autobots, they ended up shooting them all into the Sun on some rocket or something. At least that's what they told me.
The Matrix is still hating me though, because now I'm like "fuck I guess I've got to go fight Decepticons" because that's what you do when bad stuff happens. But that's not the hating part. The hating part is when someone decides that it'd be a great idea to pair the leader of the Autobots up with Grimlock. Fucking Grimlock the Space Retard. I swear he gets dumber by the minute. I said to him, "hey Grimlock, do you want to go fight Decepticons?" and he's all like "ME, GRIMLOCK--" and I just cut him off right there. I can't handle that freaking guy, seriously.
Oh and by the way: hey Matrix, next time use your infinite wisdom to give me a heads up when I'm about to get my ass handed to me. We get dropped off at Chez Decepticon, which is a real shithole in case you were wondering. And we're all recon-style with stuff until, you guessed it, Grimlock starts with the "ME GRIMLOCK" talk again. And of course he can't talk quietly, like ever. He starts yelling "ME GRIMLOCK" at the top of his lungs and I'm ready to shoot him in the head, not that that would do anything. So every Decepticon ever rushes us and I get the shit beaten out of me. I bet they enjoyed that. Never got to do that with Optimus Prime, did you? Nah, it's good old Rodimus who gets the mass curb stomping.
Here's where the shit gets freaky, though. Right when I'm thinking "fuck you, Matrix" I start having all these weird flashback things where I'm seeing all these faces and stuff, and then I'm like "holy shit I know that guy" 'cause I recognized one of them. Back when people thought I was cool (yeah you know that shit is the truth) I crashed on their planet and they wanted to kill me. So I'm like, okay, I guess that was a tipoff right there. Like the Matrix is trying to drop a hint to me or something. Primus. It's a miracle that Optimus ever figured anything out at all, if that's the level of communication we're talking about here. It would have been cool if the Matrix had been like "HEY RODIMUS GO TO THAT PLANET WITH THE FREAKY EGG & TENTACLE DUDES" because that would have been helpful. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure the Matrix just doesn't fucking like me. I bet it's like "fuck you, you're not Optimus" and I bet it wouldn't call me "Prime" either.
I'd totally give up the Matrix right now, but shit -- what are my options? Ultra "Fumble" Magnus? No thanks. Kup? He'd probably drop dead as soon as he stuck the thing in his chest. Springer? Yeah like that's gonna happen. Fuck him. Blurr? Primus H. Cyberton, NO. Maybe I should give the Matrix to Grimlock; it might make him less retarded or something. Hmm, there's a thought.
RP
wow. more needs to added because this is laugh out loud Powerglideing hillarious. here's a suggestion, make a myspace profile for rodimus and post this in his blogs.
Beautiful.
...That's right, Hot Rod. The Matrix hates you.
...That's right, Hot Rod. The Matrix hates you.
Why have I not seen this yet??
11/31/05
I swear my life is so fucking confusing. You know what's cool? Being a race car and tooling around on back roads behind Autobot City. That's cool. You know what isn't so cool? Going back to the Planet De Freakiness to rescue Kup and Ultra Magnus (and Spike was there too, so I guess that was a good thing) and then they fucking blow the thing up. Like, the whole fucking planet. And again I'm like "hey Matrix, help me out here". Little heads-up next time? It was probably pissed that we took Spike with us and was like "I'm not telling you shit". Figures. And somebody's got to let Carly know that we've got him, because that bitch has been calling like every five minutes. *BEEP* "Hi this is Carly, did you find Spike yet?" *BEEP* "Hi, Carly again, just checking to see if you found Spike." *BEEP* "Hi, me again, any news about Spike?" NO there isn't any fucking news about Spike, except that I'm about to let Grimlock eat both of you, so shut the fuck up already. Primus.
So okay, check this out. We were in a spaceship... actually, I think it was a spaceship. It might have been an Autobot. I dunno. You never can tell after a while. But anyway it gets fucking nailed with this massive piece of planet, 'cause you know, the planet blew up, right? And then the fucking spaceship blows up when the piece of blown-up planet hits it. And I'm like, of course the spaceship blows up. Why would I be thinking "we're going to get away in this spaceship" when I should have been thinking "dude, remember that your life sucks." And then I would have been like "oh yeah" and headed for the exit a little sooner.
And then we're just floating through space. Seriously. Like, all of us are just floating through space. And I'm getting looks from everyone. Yeah, like it's my fault that our ship got blown up by Freaky Planet debris. So I'm like "whatever, fuck you" and I chill. Because I'm getting sick of people fucking with me. I'm Rodimus Prime, dammit. You got a problem? You talk to the Matrix about it. (You'd probably have better luck than I would anyway.) I'm just gonna keep floating here.
Actually, floating in space is pretty cool after a while. Especially since there isn't any sound. So when people start asking me stuff like "hey Rodimus, are we there yet?" I can be like, "what, I didn't hear you" and keep chilling. Yeah, that's good. The only buzzkill is that I was totally going to slide up to Arcee and lay down the Hot Rod, but Springer was right there next to her as usual. Fuck. Space love sounds pretty fucking kickass though. I'll have to remember that next time they do the Laff-A-Lympics or whatever, so I can skip out and play zero-G ass tag with those chicks from my fan club.
But here's the worst feeling in the universe. After being in space for like a long time, you're thinking "this pretty much rules" but then all of a sudden you're falling down and you can hear people again and then you fucking land in goo.
Now here's the stupid part. It's not just "goo". The fucking planet is named "Goo". Yes, an entire planet of fucking nasty... I don't even want to know what the shit is. And of course I'm like "why does this exist" and then I realize I'm a dumbass because the answer is "it exists for you to fall into it after having an awesome time in space because the Matrix fucking hates you, Rodimus." Of course. Right? Primus, it's just one thing after another. Oh and then, because things didn't suck enough, some giant Zamboni shows up and starts chasing us down. And I'm about ready to change my mind about that other place being the freakiest planet in the universe, because this is really taking the fucking cake. On the plus side, though -- it ate Springer. Seriously. Just chewed him up and spit him out. And I'm ready to make my move on Arcee but then here it comes after me. So I'm all like "hey Arcee, check out what a guy who isn't a pussy can do" and I let myself get sucked into it. And of course she's all like "no Rodimus!" and I'm like "fuck yeah" because you know that dangerous manly shit is like Sex Juice for chicks.
So I take that machine down by myself, and I'm like "here comes Rodimus" when...
I swear I still don't fucking believe it.
Every Fucking Decepticon Ever shows up. Seriously. Right then. Just, there they are. And they start shooting, which is a giant "what the fuck" because the last time I saw them, they were just kicking my head in and stuff. Now they've got their weapons working again, I guess. Still can't aim for shit though. Oh and when I said "Every Decepticon Ever" I wasn't fucking around, because then you know who shows up? Just think of the most impossible, crazy answer you can. No, it's not him. It's not even Reflector. It's fucking Galvatron. Like, the crazy evil Decepticon leader who I personally chucked into deep space last month. Thanks a pantload, Matrix. Here, let me bend over to make the ass-fucking easier for you. "Light our darkest hour". Shit. How about "light my way to Arcee's crotch" sometime. No wonder Optimus left Elita on Cybertron. The fucking Matrix was probably cockblocking him too.
RP
I swear my life is so fucking confusing. You know what's cool? Being a race car and tooling around on back roads behind Autobot City. That's cool. You know what isn't so cool? Going back to the Planet De Freakiness to rescue Kup and Ultra Magnus (and Spike was there too, so I guess that was a good thing) and then they fucking blow the thing up. Like, the whole fucking planet. And again I'm like "hey Matrix, help me out here". Little heads-up next time? It was probably pissed that we took Spike with us and was like "I'm not telling you shit". Figures. And somebody's got to let Carly know that we've got him, because that bitch has been calling like every five minutes. *BEEP* "Hi this is Carly, did you find Spike yet?" *BEEP* "Hi, Carly again, just checking to see if you found Spike." *BEEP* "Hi, me again, any news about Spike?" NO there isn't any fucking news about Spike, except that I'm about to let Grimlock eat both of you, so shut the fuck up already. Primus.
So okay, check this out. We were in a spaceship... actually, I think it was a spaceship. It might have been an Autobot. I dunno. You never can tell after a while. But anyway it gets fucking nailed with this massive piece of planet, 'cause you know, the planet blew up, right? And then the fucking spaceship blows up when the piece of blown-up planet hits it. And I'm like, of course the spaceship blows up. Why would I be thinking "we're going to get away in this spaceship" when I should have been thinking "dude, remember that your life sucks." And then I would have been like "oh yeah" and headed for the exit a little sooner.
And then we're just floating through space. Seriously. Like, all of us are just floating through space. And I'm getting looks from everyone. Yeah, like it's my fault that our ship got blown up by Freaky Planet debris. So I'm like "whatever, fuck you" and I chill. Because I'm getting sick of people fucking with me. I'm Rodimus Prime, dammit. You got a problem? You talk to the Matrix about it. (You'd probably have better luck than I would anyway.) I'm just gonna keep floating here.
Actually, floating in space is pretty cool after a while. Especially since there isn't any sound. So when people start asking me stuff like "hey Rodimus, are we there yet?" I can be like, "what, I didn't hear you" and keep chilling. Yeah, that's good. The only buzzkill is that I was totally going to slide up to Arcee and lay down the Hot Rod, but Springer was right there next to her as usual. Fuck. Space love sounds pretty fucking kickass though. I'll have to remember that next time they do the Laff-A-Lympics or whatever, so I can skip out and play zero-G ass tag with those chicks from my fan club.
But here's the worst feeling in the universe. After being in space for like a long time, you're thinking "this pretty much rules" but then all of a sudden you're falling down and you can hear people again and then you fucking land in goo.
Now here's the stupid part. It's not just "goo". The fucking planet is named "Goo". Yes, an entire planet of fucking nasty... I don't even want to know what the shit is. And of course I'm like "why does this exist" and then I realize I'm a dumbass because the answer is "it exists for you to fall into it after having an awesome time in space because the Matrix fucking hates you, Rodimus." Of course. Right? Primus, it's just one thing after another. Oh and then, because things didn't suck enough, some giant Zamboni shows up and starts chasing us down. And I'm about ready to change my mind about that other place being the freakiest planet in the universe, because this is really taking the fucking cake. On the plus side, though -- it ate Springer. Seriously. Just chewed him up and spit him out. And I'm ready to make my move on Arcee but then here it comes after me. So I'm all like "hey Arcee, check out what a guy who isn't a pussy can do" and I let myself get sucked into it. And of course she's all like "no Rodimus!" and I'm like "fuck yeah" because you know that dangerous manly shit is like Sex Juice for chicks.
So I take that machine down by myself, and I'm like "here comes Rodimus" when...
I swear I still don't fucking believe it.
Every Fucking Decepticon Ever shows up. Seriously. Right then. Just, there they are. And they start shooting, which is a giant "what the fuck" because the last time I saw them, they were just kicking my head in and stuff. Now they've got their weapons working again, I guess. Still can't aim for shit though. Oh and when I said "Every Decepticon Ever" I wasn't fucking around, because then you know who shows up? Just think of the most impossible, crazy answer you can. No, it's not him. It's not even Reflector. It's fucking Galvatron. Like, the crazy evil Decepticon leader who I personally chucked into deep space last month. Thanks a pantload, Matrix. Here, let me bend over to make the ass-fucking easier for you. "Light our darkest hour". Shit. How about "light my way to Arcee's crotch" sometime. No wonder Optimus left Elita on Cybertron. The fucking Matrix was probably cockblocking him too.
RP
THIS THREAD FTW 4EVR
I NEVER want to be Autobot leader, thanks
Pure genius
Oh snap. Powerglideing Rodimus.
This is quite possibly one of the funniest things I've ever read!
11/30/05 (continued)
Okay, I left you hanging there, but some shit came up and it got weird and I forgot about the Blogatron for a while.
So all right, here we are on The Worst Planet Ever, For Real with an assload of Decepticons shooting at us, including fucking Galvatron (seriously, the hell?). But then he starts shooting at the rest of the Decepticons (the hell?!?) and this crazy thought comes into my head like "maybe he landed on some fiery hot plasma asteroid and it fucked his head and now he thinks he's an Autobot." How kickass would that be? I mean, he's pretty much a fucking douchebag, but you never know. Hey, maybe I'm starting to get visions or something from the Matrix.
Well anyway, the Decepticons all stop shooting and fuck off to this weird-ass spaceship that I guess they all came out of, and I'm like "the hell?" for the third time today because it's totally this Egg/Tentacle people spaceship that I flew into Unicron's eye a while back. (Yeah, right into his fucking eye. I'm the chosen one, bitches.) But I'm like "whatever" because they're gone and I'm not a fucking detective or whatever, I just want to get out of this nasty shit goo stuff. So then Ultra Magnus has this great idea that we should contact someone and have them come pick us up. And I'm all like "kickass" except before I got to say "ass" and I was still on "kick" he's like "yeah we should totally call Wreck-Gar". Fuck. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy and all, but he's just a bit... I dunno, clingy or something. Plus he's weird as hell, but I'm used to that because I got a dude on my team who fucking rhymes every word that comes out of his mouth.
...Okay, I guess it was because we did this sort of celebration dancing thing the last time I saw him. I don't know why; it was one of those "universal greeting" things that Kup was always talking about. He was all like "yeah Hot Rod after you say the greeting, you have to dance with their leader." And I was like "dance with this, auto-twat" but he was being all serious about it and stuff. But I think he was just fucking with me, cuz I didn't see his old ass dancing with anyone. So I was totally feeling like a tard, but then Wreck-Gar was really into it so I was like "crap" and I just sort of kept going. Primus, that sounds so fucking gay now that I think about it.
You get the idea. I think the dude kind of has this weird thing for me, and I don't drive on that side of the street, if you know what I mean. He pretty much creeps me out, to be honest. (I know that's hard to believe, being creeped out by the leader of a bunch of dudes who do nothing except take turns riding each other all day.) So now I'm back to saying "kickass" to Ultra Magnus' shitty idea before I knew where he was going with it. Then I'm like "yeah that's a great idea, too bad there isn't like a phone booth or anything on this planet". And then of course Magnus fucking finds one right there and I look like a dumbass. I mean, of course he does, right? I'm a dumbass and I get to hang out with my favorite stalker. There's a nice one-two punch in the junk, courtesy of the Matrix.
At this point I'm like "well, you better call him cuz I'm not fucking doing it" and Magnus gives me one of his looks like "can't you be more mature" and I'm like "blow me". So Magnus calls him and I'm totally not listening because I can't fucking deal with Wreck-Gar-speak. After that... well, you can pretty much guess what happens next. We're stuck there waiting to get picked up, so guess what? It's time for us to get shot at again for a while. Hey, why not. All the Decepticons come right back out of that spaceship again, except now Galvatron's shooting at us instead. So much for my vision, I guess. Figures.
But yeah, Wreck-Gar does eventually show up. Now you might be thinking "hey Rodimus, aren't you being a little hard on that guy?" The answer is "no I'm fucking not" and I'll tell you why. Here's what you do when you have to go pick someone up. You go drive up next to them and say "hey get in" and then you go off to the mall or wherever. I mean, at least that's what they do in Normal People Land. But Wreck-Gar's too good for that. No, what he does is he drives his fucking hooptie underneath us, like under the planet. And then he fucking turns on the vacuum (which I guess he happens to have) and sucks us down, right through this nasty shit, into his ride. I mean, I'm sure he doesn't fucking care because he drives a piece of shit anyway, and what's one more stain on the upholstery? But fucking hell, man. I got that shit in my mouth. Uggh. It gives me the willies just thinking about it.
So here I am (leader of the Autobots, right?) trying to wash my mouth out, smelling about the way you'd expect to smell when you get sucked through liquid ass, going to... you guessed it, Junk. Yeah, the last place was "Goo" and now we're going to "Junk". I'm like, hey how about you just drop me off at "Clean Towels" or something. And then when we get there, they fucking rebuild Springer first thing, which helps like a nail up my tailpipe. And right away he starts talking shit to me except he's saying it like he's my buddy and stuff, which he always fucking does. So he's like "hey I bet you could talk to the Matrix if you pulled some of your wires out lol". And yeah, this fucking guy actually says "L O L". It was funny the first five hundred times, dickatron. So I'm like "well maybe I will 'LOL'" and Arcee looks at me like "you're not really going to do that" but I'm just like "fuck it" because I smell like shit and I'm fucking sick of dealing with people and questions and whatever. So as soon as they're out of sight, I open up my chest and just start fucking around with stuff. I don't know what all I did, but I guess I must have done something, cuz all of a sudden my legs stopped working and I fell down.
So I'm like "great, retard, you just paralyzed yourself". But then I started blacking out, and I realized that I probably hit my head pretty hard when I fell down. So I was like "oh... sweet, I guess".
RP
Okay, I left you hanging there, but some shit came up and it got weird and I forgot about the Blogatron for a while.
So all right, here we are on The Worst Planet Ever, For Real with an assload of Decepticons shooting at us, including fucking Galvatron (seriously, the hell?). But then he starts shooting at the rest of the Decepticons (the hell?!?) and this crazy thought comes into my head like "maybe he landed on some fiery hot plasma asteroid and it fucked his head and now he thinks he's an Autobot." How kickass would that be? I mean, he's pretty much a fucking douchebag, but you never know. Hey, maybe I'm starting to get visions or something from the Matrix.
Well anyway, the Decepticons all stop shooting and fuck off to this weird-ass spaceship that I guess they all came out of, and I'm like "the hell?" for the third time today because it's totally this Egg/Tentacle people spaceship that I flew into Unicron's eye a while back. (Yeah, right into his fucking eye. I'm the chosen one, bitches.) But I'm like "whatever" because they're gone and I'm not a fucking detective or whatever, I just want to get out of this nasty shit goo stuff. So then Ultra Magnus has this great idea that we should contact someone and have them come pick us up. And I'm all like "kickass" except before I got to say "ass" and I was still on "kick" he's like "yeah we should totally call Wreck-Gar". Fuck. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy and all, but he's just a bit... I dunno, clingy or something. Plus he's weird as hell, but I'm used to that because I got a dude on my team who fucking rhymes every word that comes out of his mouth.
...Okay, I guess it was because we did this sort of celebration dancing thing the last time I saw him. I don't know why; it was one of those "universal greeting" things that Kup was always talking about. He was all like "yeah Hot Rod after you say the greeting, you have to dance with their leader." And I was like "dance with this, auto-twat" but he was being all serious about it and stuff. But I think he was just fucking with me, cuz I didn't see his old ass dancing with anyone. So I was totally feeling like a tard, but then Wreck-Gar was really into it so I was like "crap" and I just sort of kept going. Primus, that sounds so fucking gay now that I think about it.
You get the idea. I think the dude kind of has this weird thing for me, and I don't drive on that side of the street, if you know what I mean. He pretty much creeps me out, to be honest. (I know that's hard to believe, being creeped out by the leader of a bunch of dudes who do nothing except take turns riding each other all day.) So now I'm back to saying "kickass" to Ultra Magnus' shitty idea before I knew where he was going with it. Then I'm like "yeah that's a great idea, too bad there isn't like a phone booth or anything on this planet". And then of course Magnus fucking finds one right there and I look like a dumbass. I mean, of course he does, right? I'm a dumbass and I get to hang out with my favorite stalker. There's a nice one-two punch in the junk, courtesy of the Matrix.
At this point I'm like "well, you better call him cuz I'm not fucking doing it" and Magnus gives me one of his looks like "can't you be more mature" and I'm like "blow me". So Magnus calls him and I'm totally not listening because I can't fucking deal with Wreck-Gar-speak. After that... well, you can pretty much guess what happens next. We're stuck there waiting to get picked up, so guess what? It's time for us to get shot at again for a while. Hey, why not. All the Decepticons come right back out of that spaceship again, except now Galvatron's shooting at us instead. So much for my vision, I guess. Figures.
But yeah, Wreck-Gar does eventually show up. Now you might be thinking "hey Rodimus, aren't you being a little hard on that guy?" The answer is "no I'm fucking not" and I'll tell you why. Here's what you do when you have to go pick someone up. You go drive up next to them and say "hey get in" and then you go off to the mall or wherever. I mean, at least that's what they do in Normal People Land. But Wreck-Gar's too good for that. No, what he does is he drives his fucking hooptie underneath us, like under the planet. And then he fucking turns on the vacuum (which I guess he happens to have) and sucks us down, right through this nasty shit, into his ride. I mean, I'm sure he doesn't fucking care because he drives a piece of shit anyway, and what's one more stain on the upholstery? But fucking hell, man. I got that shit in my mouth. Uggh. It gives me the willies just thinking about it.
So here I am (leader of the Autobots, right?) trying to wash my mouth out, smelling about the way you'd expect to smell when you get sucked through liquid ass, going to... you guessed it, Junk. Yeah, the last place was "Goo" and now we're going to "Junk". I'm like, hey how about you just drop me off at "Clean Towels" or something. And then when we get there, they fucking rebuild Springer first thing, which helps like a nail up my tailpipe. And right away he starts talking shit to me except he's saying it like he's my buddy and stuff, which he always fucking does. So he's like "hey I bet you could talk to the Matrix if you pulled some of your wires out lol". And yeah, this fucking guy actually says "L O L". It was funny the first five hundred times, dickatron. So I'm like "well maybe I will 'LOL'" and Arcee looks at me like "you're not really going to do that" but I'm just like "fuck it" because I smell like shit and I'm fucking sick of dealing with people and questions and whatever. So as soon as they're out of sight, I open up my chest and just start fucking around with stuff. I don't know what all I did, but I guess I must have done something, cuz all of a sudden my legs stopped working and I fell down.
So I'm like "great, retard, you just paralyzed yourself". But then I started blacking out, and I realized that I probably hit my head pretty hard when I fell down. So I was like "oh... sweet, I guess".
RP
Great stuff. I think we should have Pete rename every place in the universe like RP.
QUOTE (Cuban Pete @ Dec 29 2006, 04:21 AM) 
No wonder Optimus left Elita on Cybertron. The Powerglideing Matrix was probably cockblocking him too.
Oh god, I'm laughing so hard, I'm tearing up!
12/1/05
Holy shit! Am I a whiny bitch or what? I just re-read my last entry and I'm like "Primus, dude, why don't you just fucking sever your wrist cables?" Damn. Sorry about that.
But check this out -- I was feeling really shitty about stuff, and I was actually kind of hoping that I'd seriously fucked myself up when I went offline. The shit was coming down on Rodimus pretty hard. But -- holy shit this fucking rules -- after I passed out, I had the grand mother fucker of ALL Matrix visions, EVER. Fucking EVER. Like, shit that fucking NOBODY had seen before. I'm pretty sure that this puts me above Optimus, seriously. It was fucking hard core awesome.
Okay, I gotta tell you about it. At first I thought I was online again, and I was all set to be like "aw fuck." That's how real this shit was. But then I see this old guy and I'm like "who the fuck is this" cuz he looked like something that was too old for the Cybertronian Museum of Old Shit or whatever. But then he's all like "Rodimus Prime, I must show you the past" and I'm like "that's what I'm talking about" cuz how many times do I hear anyone call me "Prime"? (Answer: "once". Fuckers.)
Then I'm like "all right, let's make with the vision" and the movie starts up. But then the old guy doesn't shut up and I'm like dude, you don't fucking talk during the movie! But he just keeps going, and I'm like "I thought you were gonna show me the past, not fucking tell me about it." So I pretty much tuned him out after that point. That's the kickass thing about visions -- you can pretty much do whatever you want. So I whipped out my stereo and started cranking some sweet workout tunes. Which was way cooler than "I have important information for you" or whatever he was saying.
So the next fifteen minutes are like the most kickass music video ever. It was all robots and fighting and shit blowing up and killer music and I was like "hellz yeah" cuz who doesn't love that. It really got me pumped up. And the best part was when they randomly threw in the Egg and Tentacle dudes cuz they were hating on the Autobots, but then they totally got their asses kicked and I was like "hellz yeah" again cuz who the fuck likes those assholes anyway.
The end part was kind of a buzzkill though, cuz all of a sudden Optimus shows up and I'm like "yeah, I was just thinking how I want to be reminded of this guy when I'm trying to have a kickass time watching my sweet music video." But other than that it pretty much ruled. Visions are awesome.
But then of course I'm waking up and it's fucking Springer in my face calling me a moron. It's all right though, cuz I'm still totally riding high on my sweet buzz. I had this weird feeling like I was supposed to go back to Cybertron and defend it against the Egg / Tentacle dudes cuz they might try to invade the planet to get revenge for something that happened millions of years ago or whatever, but I figured I was still tripping a bit. Fuck it. But I did want to go back anyway cuz it's free oil & lube day today, and that shit is a great way to come down. So we're on our way back now.
RP
Holy shit! Am I a whiny bitch or what? I just re-read my last entry and I'm like "Primus, dude, why don't you just fucking sever your wrist cables?" Damn. Sorry about that.
But check this out -- I was feeling really shitty about stuff, and I was actually kind of hoping that I'd seriously fucked myself up when I went offline. The shit was coming down on Rodimus pretty hard. But -- holy shit this fucking rules -- after I passed out, I had the grand mother fucker of ALL Matrix visions, EVER. Fucking EVER. Like, shit that fucking NOBODY had seen before. I'm pretty sure that this puts me above Optimus, seriously. It was fucking hard core awesome.
Okay, I gotta tell you about it. At first I thought I was online again, and I was all set to be like "aw fuck." That's how real this shit was. But then I see this old guy and I'm like "who the fuck is this" cuz he looked like something that was too old for the Cybertronian Museum of Old Shit or whatever. But then he's all like "Rodimus Prime, I must show you the past" and I'm like "that's what I'm talking about" cuz how many times do I hear anyone call me "Prime"? (Answer: "once". Fuckers.)
Then I'm like "all right, let's make with the vision" and the movie starts up. But then the old guy doesn't shut up and I'm like dude, you don't fucking talk during the movie! But he just keeps going, and I'm like "I thought you were gonna show me the past, not fucking tell me about it." So I pretty much tuned him out after that point. That's the kickass thing about visions -- you can pretty much do whatever you want. So I whipped out my stereo and started cranking some sweet workout tunes. Which was way cooler than "I have important information for you" or whatever he was saying.
So the next fifteen minutes are like the most kickass music video ever. It was all robots and fighting and shit blowing up and killer music and I was like "hellz yeah" cuz who doesn't love that. It really got me pumped up. And the best part was when they randomly threw in the Egg and Tentacle dudes cuz they were hating on the Autobots, but then they totally got their asses kicked and I was like "hellz yeah" again cuz who the fuck likes those assholes anyway.
The end part was kind of a buzzkill though, cuz all of a sudden Optimus shows up and I'm like "yeah, I was just thinking how I want to be reminded of this guy when I'm trying to have a kickass time watching my sweet music video." But other than that it pretty much ruled. Visions are awesome.
But then of course I'm waking up and it's fucking Springer in my face calling me a moron. It's all right though, cuz I'm still totally riding high on my sweet buzz. I had this weird feeling like I was supposed to go back to Cybertron and defend it against the Egg / Tentacle dudes cuz they might try to invade the planet to get revenge for something that happened millions of years ago or whatever, but I figured I was still tripping a bit. Fuck it. But I did want to go back anyway cuz it's free oil & lube day today, and that shit is a great way to come down. So we're on our way back now.
RP
Friggin' hilarious!
2
arghh dang it Trench, I thought this thread had been updated lol
12/2/05
Okay, seriously. What the fuck do I pay these people for.
Check this shit out. We get back to Cybertron and I'm like "thank you Primus" cuz that goo shit is all stuck in my joints and it's seriously starting to bum me out. I'm making these nasty fucking sounds whenever I move and I smell like... okay I don't even want to think about it anymore. It's fucking disgusting, seriously. So I'm all set to take off and head over to the Wash N' Go and then fucking Perceptor shows up. And I'm like "fuck" cuz Perceptor never shows up to hang out with you and chill and shit. It's always some fucking issue that he's got about something and it's always "really important" and bla bla bla. And now I'm like dammit, I am in SERIOUS need of a shower and I'm gonna have to listen to this motherfucker for like two hours before I can get cleaned up. Cuz you know he has no fucking ability to make a point in like fifty sentences or less.
So anyway, Perceptard is all like "hey there's this Earth spaceship that's coming our way and there's supposed to be humans inside and they say they need help but we don't really know who they are for sure and OMP I don't know what to do cuz I'm supposed to be all smart but I have no fucking common sense so I'm totally useless", and I'm so ready to shoot him. But Kup gives me this look like "now is not the time", so I chill a bit. But still I'm like, "what the fuck, 'humans'? Do we give a shit about them all of a sudden?" I mean, come on, for real. Everyone's laughing but of course Spike is standing right there, and there's this awkward moment, and then we have to say "no of course we didn't mean that" bla bla bla. Somebody should just step on him sometime, seriously. Fucking Carly.
So Kup is like "hey, Perceptor, this could be a trick or something" (Kup can be a pain in the ass but at least he has a fucking clue sometimes). And I'm like "seriously, ya think?" So what does this motherfucker do? He fucking tells the Mystery Spaceship to keep right on coming! Sure, go ahead! Why not -- Perceptor's the fucking "perceptive" one around here, right? He must have some secret science knowledge or whatever that makes it a good idea to do the opposite of what would be a good idea. Now normally I'd just be like "way to go, dumbass" and smack him on the back of the head. But guess what Mystery Ship does. It fucking crash lands into the only fucking power station on Cybertron that's still working. Right into it. And then it fucking explodes. Ka-boom. Power goes out.
Oh, now I'm pissed.
There goes ANY hope I had of getting this goo shit out of me today. I swear to Primus I must be cursed to stay coated in nasty-smelling shit for the rest of my life. What the fuck, Matrix? I thought we were cool now. And I'm like "fuck you Kup, get out of my way, I'm punching Perceptor in the face right now." But of course I don't even get to do that cuz now... it's like I should have known. Seriously, I should have checked my watch and been like "hey I haven't had any Decepticons shooting at me for at least three hours, I think it's about time for some more of that." They fucking show up AGAIN out of nowhere and there's the shooting and the confusion and panic and now I have to be all "Autobot Leader" style again.
Man, fuck this. I'm putting Magnus in charge and I'm going to find a fucking hose somewhere.
RP
Okay, seriously. What the fuck do I pay these people for.
Check this shit out. We get back to Cybertron and I'm like "thank you Primus" cuz that goo shit is all stuck in my joints and it's seriously starting to bum me out. I'm making these nasty fucking sounds whenever I move and I smell like... okay I don't even want to think about it anymore. It's fucking disgusting, seriously. So I'm all set to take off and head over to the Wash N' Go and then fucking Perceptor shows up. And I'm like "fuck" cuz Perceptor never shows up to hang out with you and chill and shit. It's always some fucking issue that he's got about something and it's always "really important" and bla bla bla. And now I'm like dammit, I am in SERIOUS need of a shower and I'm gonna have to listen to this motherfucker for like two hours before I can get cleaned up. Cuz you know he has no fucking ability to make a point in like fifty sentences or less.
So anyway, Perceptard is all like "hey there's this Earth spaceship that's coming our way and there's supposed to be humans inside and they say they need help but we don't really know who they are for sure and OMP I don't know what to do cuz I'm supposed to be all smart but I have no fucking common sense so I'm totally useless", and I'm so ready to shoot him. But Kup gives me this look like "now is not the time", so I chill a bit. But still I'm like, "what the fuck, 'humans'? Do we give a shit about them all of a sudden?" I mean, come on, for real. Everyone's laughing but of course Spike is standing right there, and there's this awkward moment, and then we have to say "no of course we didn't mean that" bla bla bla. Somebody should just step on him sometime, seriously. Fucking Carly.
So Kup is like "hey, Perceptor, this could be a trick or something" (Kup can be a pain in the ass but at least he has a fucking clue sometimes). And I'm like "seriously, ya think?" So what does this motherfucker do? He fucking tells the Mystery Spaceship to keep right on coming! Sure, go ahead! Why not -- Perceptor's the fucking "perceptive" one around here, right? He must have some secret science knowledge or whatever that makes it a good idea to do the opposite of what would be a good idea. Now normally I'd just be like "way to go, dumbass" and smack him on the back of the head. But guess what Mystery Ship does. It fucking crash lands into the only fucking power station on Cybertron that's still working. Right into it. And then it fucking explodes. Ka-boom. Power goes out.
Oh, now I'm pissed.
There goes ANY hope I had of getting this goo shit out of me today. I swear to Primus I must be cursed to stay coated in nasty-smelling shit for the rest of my life. What the fuck, Matrix? I thought we were cool now. And I'm like "fuck you Kup, get out of my way, I'm punching Perceptor in the face right now." But of course I don't even get to do that cuz now... it's like I should have known. Seriously, I should have checked my watch and been like "hey I haven't had any Decepticons shooting at me for at least three hours, I think it's about time for some more of that." They fucking show up AGAIN out of nowhere and there's the shooting and the confusion and panic and now I have to be all "Autobot Leader" style again.
Man, fuck this. I'm putting Magnus in charge and I'm going to find a fucking hose somewhere.
RP
QUOTE (Cuban Pete @ Jan 31 2007, 11:20 AM)
Powerglideing Carly.
how is it that I missed this up to now
This may be one of the most brilliant things I have ever read.
you realize I can never watch 5 faces of darkness the same way again...
wow man you are awesome!!!!
I'm not rich enough to spend enough time to read that but I am sure that it was internets funnies.
![lolicon[1].gif](http://forums.TFormers.com/talk/style_emoticons/default/lolicon[1].gif)
o man, i can't wait for the next blog. makes me wonder what optimus is really thinking
QUOTE (Dr. Who @ Feb 2 2007, 06:18 PM)
you realize I can never watch 5 faces of darkness the same way again...
Indeed. You have ruined Season 3 Part 1... in this most rofflicious way.
I cant believe it took me so long to get to read this.
this is awesome. I guess i am blessed cause i only vaguely remember FFOD anyway.
Still this seriously rocks!!
this is awesome. I guess i am blessed cause i only vaguely remember FFOD anyway.
Still this seriously rocks!!
Holy crap! Just read all of this today, and hard time not laughing outloud at work.
need more!
So much ROFFLE
But this is my favorite:
OMFGROFLROFLROFFLE
But this is my favorite:
QUOTE
Every Powerglideing Decepticon Ever shows up. Seriously. Right then. Just, there they are. And they start shooting, which is a giant "what the Powerglide" because the last time I saw them, they were just kicking my head in and stuff. Now they've got their weapons working again, I guess. Still can't aim for Blot though. Oh and when I said "Every Decepticon Ever" I wasn't Powerglideing around, because then you know who shows up? Just think of the most impossible, crazy answer you can. No, it's not him. It's not even Reflector. It's Powerglideing Galvatron. Like, the crazy evil Decepticon leader who I personally chucked into deep space last month. Thanks a pantload, Matrix. Here, let me bend over to make the ass-Powerglideing easier for you. "Light our darkest hour". Blot. How about "light my way to Arcee's crotch" sometime. No wonder Optimus left Elita on Cybertron. The Powerglideing Matrix was probably cockblocking him too.
OMFGROFLROFLROFFLE
12/3/05
You see that?
That's me foolishly thinking that the fucking Matrix might not totally have it out for me. That I might, in fact, be *able* to even accomplish something as simple as getting to a fucking hose. Somewhere. Primus, I smell like complete ass.
Oh, but you say "come on Rodimus, it isn't like that". And then I say "okay then what the fuck is this all about" and you're like "what is what all about" and then I tell you this:
I'm on my merry way, minding my own business, just trying to get cleaned up somewhere on this fucking useless planet. (I mean, hello, water anywhere? or is it all just chrome buildings?) And then because I was apparently in danger of not being screwed over for once, some random Decepticon just drops out of the fucking sky right there. Like, seriously -- boom -- right in front of me. And you just know that he's gonna have issues. So I'm seriously annoyed right now. And I'm thinking that maybe I actually will shoot this guy, just to like, I dunno, not have to deal with him or something.
But of course he's all like "Autobot, do not shoot" or whatever. Primus-dammit. I just fucking knew it. Here comes the big speech about some big unknown danger that's forcing the Decepticons and the Autobots to work together or else they'll all be destroyed bla bla bla. I mean, you just know it's coming. It's always something like that. So I'm like "okay, fine, douchebag -- you have ten seconds before I stop caring and tell you to fuck off" but really he had like -4 seconds cuz I stopped caring before I even saw him.
So guess what he says. He's like "we have to stop the Quintessons [who the fuck are they?] before they pull this big switch that will turn us all off forever" and I'm like "yup, called it". But you know, at this point, why not, right? Why not go on this big fucking crusade to save the universe again? Sure, that's what I'm here for, right? Not to have a moment's fucking peace or have the time to fucking bathe properly. No, it's Rodimus Prime off to help everyone out because they're all too fucking useless to do anything for themselves. Primus.
But then I was like "whoa, hang on just a fucking minute". This Decepticon guy says that there's a big switch somewhere on Cybertron? That will totally deactivate every Transformer ever? And all of a sudden I'm like holy shit! I NEED to find that thing. Actually I needed to find it like a week ago, but this is okay too. I mean, the way I figure it, I've got the fucking Matrix in my chest and they don't, right? So I should be good to go, even if this big switch gets pulled. (Oh and by the way, nice fucking job on not noticing this thing ever, guys. See, this is what I mean. Fucking useless.)
So now I'm motivated. I'm like "lead the way" and shit, and we high-tail it down to The Secret Area Nobody Ever Knew About Before (seriously WTF). My only problem is this fucking Decepticon guy, who probably wants to not pull this big switch. But fuck him, whatever, I'm the fucking Autobot leader and he can suck me off. Okay, so we get to this place and the "Quintessons" or whoever they are apparently sent Moe, Larry and Curly to handle this task, cuz we show up and they start panicking and running into each other and shit, and I just shoot them because of how annoying they are. But now I've got to get to this switch before My Decepticon Buddy can destroy it or whatever. Just as I'm about to give him a sweet elbow to the face, guess who shows up. Fucking Galvatron. Except for once I'm happy to see him because you know he's going to do something retarded and catastrophic and shit.
Sure enough, he and this Decepticon guy get into this big argument and I'm totally not paying attention anymore. But then Galvatron's like "yeah well fuck you dude" and guess what he does. He goes ahead and pulls the big All Transformers Die switch. (What a fucking dumbass, I swear. If he ever came to me and was like "we have to work together to save the universe" I'd be like "yeah why don't you go get some donuts or something" or maybe I'd just kick him in the nads.) But okay, check this shit out. The fucking thing actually works. Like, seriously. Galvatron totally stops moving and talking and stuff, and so does this other guy. And I'm standing still too for a while, cuz you know I want to just see if they're faking it or whatever. But I think it's for real cuz they're totally still not moving or talking or anything like five minutes later. And I try to move and I totally can. I even give Galvatron and that other dude the finger and go "ha ha eat it" cuz what are they gonna do about it. Fucking Matrix, bitches!
So I'm SO totally about to skip out and go to the Planet of We've Got Soap and Water Because We're Not Totally Fucking Retarded when all of a sudden the fucking Egg and Tentacle people randomly show up again. Just, out of nowhere. I'm like "okay, what the fuck" because where the shit did these people come from? Nobody told me about this. So I'm like all right, I'll just pretend that I'm frozen too, and then they'll just keep going, and then I'm outta here. No biggie. I mean, hell, I've got the solution to all my fucking problems. I couldn't give a shit about whatever the fuck they want.
But see, there I go again, thinking that the Matrix didn't have one final gigantor ass-fuck waiting for me.
No, seriously, this is a good one.
Wait for it.
Fucking.
Spike.
Fucking Spike fucking shows up. Right fucking there. Well actually he may have been there the whole time, I dunno. But right as I'm about to make my getaway, he grabs my fucking gun (WTF? that's my gun) and says "sorry, Quints -- you blew it" and I'm like 'Quints'? who the fuck are they? But then before I can say anything, he fucking shoots the Primus-damn switch with my fucking gun! He fucking shoots it. He shoots the fucking switch.
Oh that's it. I'm going to kill this motherfucker. Fuck Carly, I'm stepping on this guy, seriously. And I think Spike knows that it's for real this time, cuz he gets this look in his eyes like "oh fuck" and I'm like "damn right" and he starts running his ass off. Oh and Galvatron and that other dude wake up too, but Galvatron is all like "traitors!" and they start chasing the Egg / Tentacle dudes out too, so I'm like, okay whatever. I take off running after Spike, and of course I pass Galvatron and that other dude cuz I'm a fucking speed machine and they suck, but then I run right into those Egg & Tentacle dudes and I totally trip over their stupid-ass tentacles and shit. And I was all like "hey thanks for helping me out, assholes" but they're totally not even listening to me cuz they're talking about "plan B" or whatever. Then one of them is like "where do you keep the body of Optimus Prime" and I'm like "I dunno, he's on that Autobot Space Tomb or something" and they're like "oh okay thanks" and they fuck off. So I'm like "whatever" and I keep going.
But of course by the time I get to the surface, Spike's already there with Magnus and Kup and friggin' Springer and everyone else, so I can't really step on him anymore. Fuck. And then the Decepticons are all leaving, and the Egg & Tentacle people are all leaving, and it's just Autobots on the planet now. So I'm like, "oh". I guess we're all done with the fighting and the epic battles and shit. Then the Cybertron news people show up and they want me to make a statement, so I'm like "um, yeah" and I say some blah about fighting and epic battles or whatever. I dunno. They don't really care what I tell them, as long as it sounds good.
Which reminds me, I need to tell them about all the shit that's happened since last month, for their official Cybertron archives or whatever. Guess it's time to fire up the Bullshit Generator and make myself sound all heroic and Optimus Prime-ish. That's what they want to hear anyway.
Never did get that fucking shower BTW.
RP
/end of transmission
QUOTE (Rodimus Prime @ Dec 2 2005, 11:35 PM)
I'm putting Magnus in charge and I'm going to find a fucking hose somewhere.
You see that?
That's me foolishly thinking that the fucking Matrix might not totally have it out for me. That I might, in fact, be *able* to even accomplish something as simple as getting to a fucking hose. Somewhere. Primus, I smell like complete ass.
Oh, but you say "come on Rodimus, it isn't like that". And then I say "okay then what the fuck is this all about" and you're like "what is what all about" and then I tell you this:
I'm on my merry way, minding my own business, just trying to get cleaned up somewhere on this fucking useless planet. (I mean, hello, water anywhere? or is it all just chrome buildings?) And then because I was apparently in danger of not being screwed over for once, some random Decepticon just drops out of the fucking sky right there. Like, seriously -- boom -- right in front of me. And you just know that he's gonna have issues. So I'm seriously annoyed right now. And I'm thinking that maybe I actually will shoot this guy, just to like, I dunno, not have to deal with him or something.
But of course he's all like "Autobot, do not shoot" or whatever. Primus-dammit. I just fucking knew it. Here comes the big speech about some big unknown danger that's forcing the Decepticons and the Autobots to work together or else they'll all be destroyed bla bla bla. I mean, you just know it's coming. It's always something like that. So I'm like "okay, fine, douchebag -- you have ten seconds before I stop caring and tell you to fuck off" but really he had like -4 seconds cuz I stopped caring before I even saw him.
So guess what he says. He's like "we have to stop the Quintessons [who the fuck are they?] before they pull this big switch that will turn us all off forever" and I'm like "yup, called it". But you know, at this point, why not, right? Why not go on this big fucking crusade to save the universe again? Sure, that's what I'm here for, right? Not to have a moment's fucking peace or have the time to fucking bathe properly. No, it's Rodimus Prime off to help everyone out because they're all too fucking useless to do anything for themselves. Primus.
But then I was like "whoa, hang on just a fucking minute". This Decepticon guy says that there's a big switch somewhere on Cybertron? That will totally deactivate every Transformer ever? And all of a sudden I'm like holy shit! I NEED to find that thing. Actually I needed to find it like a week ago, but this is okay too. I mean, the way I figure it, I've got the fucking Matrix in my chest and they don't, right? So I should be good to go, even if this big switch gets pulled. (Oh and by the way, nice fucking job on not noticing this thing ever, guys. See, this is what I mean. Fucking useless.)
So now I'm motivated. I'm like "lead the way" and shit, and we high-tail it down to The Secret Area Nobody Ever Knew About Before (seriously WTF). My only problem is this fucking Decepticon guy, who probably wants to not pull this big switch. But fuck him, whatever, I'm the fucking Autobot leader and he can suck me off. Okay, so we get to this place and the "Quintessons" or whoever they are apparently sent Moe, Larry and Curly to handle this task, cuz we show up and they start panicking and running into each other and shit, and I just shoot them because of how annoying they are. But now I've got to get to this switch before My Decepticon Buddy can destroy it or whatever. Just as I'm about to give him a sweet elbow to the face, guess who shows up. Fucking Galvatron. Except for once I'm happy to see him because you know he's going to do something retarded and catastrophic and shit.
Sure enough, he and this Decepticon guy get into this big argument and I'm totally not paying attention anymore. But then Galvatron's like "yeah well fuck you dude" and guess what he does. He goes ahead and pulls the big All Transformers Die switch. (What a fucking dumbass, I swear. If he ever came to me and was like "we have to work together to save the universe" I'd be like "yeah why don't you go get some donuts or something" or maybe I'd just kick him in the nads.) But okay, check this shit out. The fucking thing actually works. Like, seriously. Galvatron totally stops moving and talking and stuff, and so does this other guy. And I'm standing still too for a while, cuz you know I want to just see if they're faking it or whatever. But I think it's for real cuz they're totally still not moving or talking or anything like five minutes later. And I try to move and I totally can. I even give Galvatron and that other dude the finger and go "ha ha eat it" cuz what are they gonna do about it. Fucking Matrix, bitches!
So I'm SO totally about to skip out and go to the Planet of We've Got Soap and Water Because We're Not Totally Fucking Retarded when all of a sudden the fucking Egg and Tentacle people randomly show up again. Just, out of nowhere. I'm like "okay, what the fuck" because where the shit did these people come from? Nobody told me about this. So I'm like all right, I'll just pretend that I'm frozen too, and then they'll just keep going, and then I'm outta here. No biggie. I mean, hell, I've got the solution to all my fucking problems. I couldn't give a shit about whatever the fuck they want.
But see, there I go again, thinking that the Matrix didn't have one final gigantor ass-fuck waiting for me.
No, seriously, this is a good one.
Wait for it.
Fucking.
Spike.
Fucking Spike fucking shows up. Right fucking there. Well actually he may have been there the whole time, I dunno. But right as I'm about to make my getaway, he grabs my fucking gun (WTF? that's my gun) and says "sorry, Quints -- you blew it" and I'm like 'Quints'? who the fuck are they? But then before I can say anything, he fucking shoots the Primus-damn switch with my fucking gun! He fucking shoots it. He shoots the fucking switch.
Oh that's it. I'm going to kill this motherfucker. Fuck Carly, I'm stepping on this guy, seriously. And I think Spike knows that it's for real this time, cuz he gets this look in his eyes like "oh fuck" and I'm like "damn right" and he starts running his ass off. Oh and Galvatron and that other dude wake up too, but Galvatron is all like "traitors!" and they start chasing the Egg / Tentacle dudes out too, so I'm like, okay whatever. I take off running after Spike, and of course I pass Galvatron and that other dude cuz I'm a fucking speed machine and they suck, but then I run right into those Egg & Tentacle dudes and I totally trip over their stupid-ass tentacles and shit. And I was all like "hey thanks for helping me out, assholes" but they're totally not even listening to me cuz they're talking about "plan B" or whatever. Then one of them is like "where do you keep the body of Optimus Prime" and I'm like "I dunno, he's on that Autobot Space Tomb or something" and they're like "oh okay thanks" and they fuck off. So I'm like "whatever" and I keep going.
But of course by the time I get to the surface, Spike's already there with Magnus and Kup and friggin' Springer and everyone else, so I can't really step on him anymore. Fuck. And then the Decepticons are all leaving, and the Egg & Tentacle people are all leaving, and it's just Autobots on the planet now. So I'm like, "oh". I guess we're all done with the fighting and the epic battles and shit. Then the Cybertron news people show up and they want me to make a statement, so I'm like "um, yeah" and I say some blah about fighting and epic battles or whatever. I dunno. They don't really care what I tell them, as long as it sounds good.
Which reminds me, I need to tell them about all the shit that's happened since last month, for their official Cybertron archives or whatever. Guess it's time to fire up the Bullshit Generator and make myself sound all heroic and Optimus Prime-ish. That's what they want to hear anyway.
Never did get that fucking shower BTW.
RP
/end of transmission
"But then before I can say anything, he Powerglideing shoots the Primus-damn switch with my Powerglideing gun! He Powerglideing shoots it. He shoots the Powerglideing switch."
QUOTE
Planet of We've Got Soap and Water Because We're Not Totally Powerglideing Retarded
MEGAUBERROFFLE
cuban needs to do that for every episode....
seriously u rock
cant wait for the next one
seriously u rock
cant wait for the next one
But Powerglide him, whatever, I'm the Powerglideing Autobot leader and he can suck me off.
Man, I wish I could make that my sig.
You should do this to all of Season 3 in order. I would flock to that every week over even The Office.
Man, I wish I could make that my sig.
You should do this to all of Season 3 in order. I would flock to that every week over even The Office.
Fantastic work. I could read this all day!
I could read this all day!
beautifully done as usual!
QUOTE
So I'm SO totally about to skip out and go to the Planet of We've Got Soap and Water Because We're Not Totally Powerglideing Retarded
Was the best!
1/14/06
Primus, there's nothing to do.
I decided to fire up the Blogatron again cuz it's so fucking boring around here. Not much to say, though. Which totally doesn't make any sense to me. It seemed like shit was happening on a weekly basis back when Optimus was around. Now it's just fucking dead. Not that I really mind, cuz at least I can get some down time. I still have to hang out on Cybertron, though. Which I guess is cool since I'm a Cybertronian and all, but after a while I'm like "damn, could we not afford a sun or what?" I mean, it's like night time 24-7. It gets kinda depressing after a while, and when I get depressed I start thinking about how stupid I look with a camper.
Shit is pretty okay, though. Ultra Magnus stuck his head in my office today and was trying to tell me about some "Quintessons" who had supposedly abducted him and he thought I was there but then I really wasn't, and Cyclonus was there and so was this Earth chick, and they went through a black hole, and....
Yeah, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about either.
Primus, there's nothing to do.
I decided to fire up the Blogatron again cuz it's so fucking boring around here. Not much to say, though. Which totally doesn't make any sense to me. It seemed like shit was happening on a weekly basis back when Optimus was around. Now it's just fucking dead. Not that I really mind, cuz at least I can get some down time. I still have to hang out on Cybertron, though. Which I guess is cool since I'm a Cybertronian and all, but after a while I'm like "damn, could we not afford a sun or what?" I mean, it's like night time 24-7. It gets kinda depressing after a while, and when I get depressed I start thinking about how stupid I look with a camper.
Shit is pretty okay, though. Ultra Magnus stuck his head in my office today and was trying to tell me about some "Quintessons" who had supposedly abducted him and he thought I was there but then I really wasn't, and Cyclonus was there and so was this Earth chick, and they went through a black hole, and....
Yeah, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about either.
OMG!! I need to come to this section more often. I can't believe LM wrote this. Rodimus sounds like someone I know
Yay update!
....how the feck did I miss this...
1/21/06
Pssshhhhh...
Yeah, this rules. Just hanging out by myself all day long, every day. Primus, I'm getting so fucking sick of playing Solitaireotron. Seems like everyone else is up to all kinds of shit, just not me. But hey, that's cool though. I mean, what the fuck, I'm just the Autobot Leader, right? No problem, Kup. Go ahead and fuck around on alien planets if that's how you get your jollies.
I guess I better explain the bullshit that's happening around here. It's like people are just sneaking out and doing shit without me. I don't mean going out for donutrons or shit like that. I mean, these fuckers are going out and having actual adventures and shit. I just fucking know it. At first when Ultra Magnus started telling me about this black hole thing, I was like "hey Magnus, I can't deal with that now, ha ha bitch" and he got all pissed and left. But dammit, I think he was actually doing some shit without me now.
And so then there's Kup talking about green crystals and some whatever monster slavery planet thing that happened to him whenever ago. You know how that guy is. Just let him talk and turn off the audio for a while. But I think he was trying to make up some excuse for skipping out, cuz he was all like "I saw one of the Battlechargers shooting these green crystals". Dude, don't insult my fucking intelligence. "Battlechargers?" What the fuck is that even supposed to be? I've never seen one. I bet you just made that name up. So I was like "hey Kup, why don't you go out for some donutrons and take Grimlock with you" cuz that dumbass was trying to chew on my credenza again. Office furniture isn't fucking cheap, dickimus. So Kup looks at me with one of his old man looks like "maybe you could take some initiative once in a while", and I give him the finger. Cuz you know, I'm like "whatever". So they leave, after I have to whack Grimlock on the nose, AGAIN. Primus.
But then it's like five hours later and they're still not back yet. The hell, man. All right, whatever. I'm outta here. I don't get paid to fucking hang out around after hours with the sani-bots. So it's like the next day when I see Kup again, and I'm like "hey exhaust-hole where were you?" and that was a mistake cuz he starts in again with the stories, like Galvatron was gonna blow up Cybertron and there was this big monster thing again and bla bla bla. Primus, I didn't ask for your fucking life story. But I'm starting to get pissed, so I'm like "okay dude, next time you wanna go fuck around at the arcade, take me with you at least." Of course he was all deny, deny, deny, but you know that's what he was doing. You can't fuck with me, dude. I got the fucking Matrix in me, so I'm all super wise and shit.
But then I got to thinking that he might have actually been doing some cool stuff on other planets. Cuz I found Grimlock chewing on some green crystals behind the building when I was on my smoke break. And that kind of pissed me off. It's like they use this reverse psychology shit on me to get me to stay behind. Fuckers. Well I'm fucking coming along next time, I don't care what bullshit excuses they come up with. I bet nobody would have left Optimus to guard the fucking base two weeks in a row.
Pssshhhhh...
Yeah, this rules. Just hanging out by myself all day long, every day. Primus, I'm getting so fucking sick of playing Solitaireotron. Seems like everyone else is up to all kinds of shit, just not me. But hey, that's cool though. I mean, what the fuck, I'm just the Autobot Leader, right? No problem, Kup. Go ahead and fuck around on alien planets if that's how you get your jollies.
I guess I better explain the bullshit that's happening around here. It's like people are just sneaking out and doing shit without me. I don't mean going out for donutrons or shit like that. I mean, these fuckers are going out and having actual adventures and shit. I just fucking know it. At first when Ultra Magnus started telling me about this black hole thing, I was like "hey Magnus, I can't deal with that now, ha ha bitch" and he got all pissed and left. But dammit, I think he was actually doing some shit without me now.
And so then there's Kup talking about green crystals and some whatever monster slavery planet thing that happened to him whenever ago. You know how that guy is. Just let him talk and turn off the audio for a while. But I think he was trying to make up some excuse for skipping out, cuz he was all like "I saw one of the Battlechargers shooting these green crystals". Dude, don't insult my fucking intelligence. "Battlechargers?" What the fuck is that even supposed to be? I've never seen one. I bet you just made that name up. So I was like "hey Kup, why don't you go out for some donutrons and take Grimlock with you" cuz that dumbass was trying to chew on my credenza again. Office furniture isn't fucking cheap, dickimus. So Kup looks at me with one of his old man looks like "maybe you could take some initiative once in a while", and I give him the finger. Cuz you know, I'm like "whatever". So they leave, after I have to whack Grimlock on the nose, AGAIN. Primus.
But then it's like five hours later and they're still not back yet. The hell, man. All right, whatever. I'm outta here. I don't get paid to fucking hang out around after hours with the sani-bots. So it's like the next day when I see Kup again, and I'm like "hey exhaust-hole where were you?" and that was a mistake cuz he starts in again with the stories, like Galvatron was gonna blow up Cybertron and there was this big monster thing again and bla bla bla. Primus, I didn't ask for your fucking life story. But I'm starting to get pissed, so I'm like "okay dude, next time you wanna go fuck around at the arcade, take me with you at least." Of course he was all deny, deny, deny, but you know that's what he was doing. You can't fuck with me, dude. I got the fucking Matrix in me, so I'm all super wise and shit.
But then I got to thinking that he might have actually been doing some cool stuff on other planets. Cuz I found Grimlock chewing on some green crystals behind the building when I was on my smoke break. And that kind of pissed me off. It's like they use this reverse psychology shit on me to get me to stay behind. Fuckers. Well I'm fucking coming along next time, I don't care what bullshit excuses they come up with. I bet nobody would have left Optimus to guard the fucking base two weeks in a row.
"exhaust-hole"
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